Be careful what you wish for… It just might come true.

It is crazy when you think about this state of the world right now how much this little virus has had such a big impact. Like many of us, I  lead a  multidimensional life. At some points, I was PTA mom, dance mom,  entrepreneur of three businesses,  a yoga business, air b n b hostess, I own and manage a eighty-six person liquor establishment, a writer, a landscaper, housekeeper and women in recovery who actively attended meetings.

My mantra was:

Its a lot

Not to much

I can manage it!

I will do my best

I would do my best to take care of myself first to eat healthily, walk daily, exercise, attend meetings. Each time and place had a task at hand that I needed to accomplish in order to get it all done. I received a rush and enjoyed the fact that what I  could accomplish daily. Occasionally I would complain when I realized how fast time was passing being so busy, but I truly enjoyed the hustle and bustle of my life. I was self-supporting and able to care for my own children and give them a very good life. They enjoyed nice gifts and we took beautiful vacations every year. I was able to put a few dollars in the bank for myself. I was also able to afforded to invest in myself and take more online classes to feed my quest for knowledge and build my self-esteem.

I was taking my daughter to theater company on Mondays, Tuesday was gymnastic than a private singing lesson, Wednesday was basketball after school and Thursday was the “Chance to Dance” afterschool program and Friday was freedom Friday with no specials after school activities. That was just her schedule I had a full one before I was ready to pick her up from school. There was always some task to be done between my 3 businesses. I was beginning to feel tired and I said a couple times I wish life could just slow down for a bit it is moving way to fast!

And now it has…

Here we are in this time in the universe all snuggled in our homes. No extra activities except for the ones that can be done online. I can not host a guest because of the virus, I can not open my establishment because of the virus, I can’t teach outdoor classes, I can’t enter rehabs to teach recovery yoga and Schools are canceled! I received what I asked for!

THE WORLD HAS SLOWED DOWN, IT’S PRETTY MUCH STOPPED!

So first it is acceptance of the current state of the world. Second, educate myself about how can I live to be safe and protect my family. Third, how can I take this lesson and turn it into a blessing!

Gratitude is always the answer! I have to practice daily gratitude. I have to witness when negative energy is seeping into my soul and contaminating my space then flowing into others.  It seems as if daily there is a bewitching hour and I get a little agitated.  So now the real work is recognized and ask God in a holy instant please take this fear from me. I can recite the St. Francis prayer and remember the Universe is God’s business my health is mine.

How is my exercise since this pandemic has entered our lives? It is inconsistent and sporadic. With this information, I can witness not judge and take action today.

I had to take a food inventory since this latest trama has erupted, it’s horrible! I have been eating sugar and ice cream as if it is helping cure the virus! It is only going to change the size of my waist and the size of my a&*! So again, I get to witness not judge! I can ask God in a holy instant, “God please help me to make healthier choices with food and exercise.”

So maybe you are like me a woman or a man who was always on the go a free spirit who has had their wings clipped by this pandemic. Happiness or suffering it is up to us do we view it as a blessing or a curse. Do we accept and utilize this time to give ourselves and our loved ones a little extra love? Can we witness not judge our character defenses that arise out of the mud? We may be powerless over many things in this world but our reactions and our practices still are up to us.

Can we practice love and kindness with our loved ones who have there own time of day that the stress gets to them? Returning to love is always the answer. Love for ourselves, love for others and love of the universe.

We can all do our part! Stay home utilize this time as a period reflection on our behaviors and moods. DO NOT BEAT YOUR SELF UP! Witness, observe, be honest and then look at your character assets. Take a strengths test  http://www.gallup.com to find out your assets then begin to build up and make them stronger.

Time is the most precious gift we can give anyone, why not give this time to ourself?

Its springtime a perfect time to weed that garden of your soul!

Shine On,

Bonnie

Be the withness not the judge

It is crazy when you think about this state of the world right now how much this little virus has had such a significant impact. Like many of us, I  lead a  multidimensional life. At some points, I was PTA mom, dance mom,  entrepreneur of three businesses,  a yoga business, air b n b hostess, I own and manage a eighty-six person liquor establishment, a writer, a landscaper, housekeeper and women in recovery who actively attended meetings.

My mantra was:

Its a lot

Not to much

I can manage it!

I will do my best

I would do my best to take care of myself first to eat healthily, walk daily, exercise, attend meetings. Each time and place had a task at hand that I needed to accomplish to get it all done. I received a rush and enjoyed the fact that what I  could achieve daily. Occasionally I would complain when I realized how fast time was passing being so busy, but I truly enjoyed the hustle and bustle of my life. I was self-supporting and able to care for my children and provide an abundant life. They enjoyed generous gifts, and we took beautiful vacations every year. I was able to put a few dollars in the bank for myself. I was also able to afforded to invest in myself and take more online classes to feed my quest for knowledge and build my self-esteem.

The hustle and bustle of our lives:  Taking my daughter to theater company on Mondays. Tuesday was gymnastic than a private singing lesson. Wednesday was basketball, and Thursday was the “Chance to Dance” afterschool program. Friday was freedom Friday with no activities. Like most of us, I had already put in a full day of work before I pick her up from school. There was always some task to accomplish between my three businesses. I was beginning to feel tired, and I said a couple of times I wish life could just slow down for a bit; it is moving way to fast!

And now it has….

Here we are in this time in the universe all snuggled in our homes—no extra activities except for the ones that we do online. I can not host a guest because of the virus; I can not open my establishment because of the social distancing, I can’t teach outdoor classes, I can’t enter rehabs to teach recovery yoga, and schools are canceled!

I received what I asked for!

THE WORLD HAS SLOWED DOWN, IT’S PRETTY MUCH STOPPED!

So first it is acceptance of the current state of the world. Second, educate myself about how I can live to be safe and protect my family. Third, how can I take this lesson and turn it into a blessing!

Gratitude is always the answer! I have to practice daily gratitude. I have to witness when negative energy is seeping into my soul and contaminating my space then flowing into others.  It seems as if daily, there is a bewitching hour, and I get a little agitated.  So now the real work is recognized and ask God in a holy instant please take this fear from me. I can recite the St. Francis prayer and remember the Universe is God’s business; my health is mine.

How is my exercise since this pandemic has entered our lives? It is inconsistent and sporadic. With this information, I can witness not judge and take action today.

I had to take a food inventory since this latest trama has erupted, it’s horrible! I have been eating sugar and ice cream as if it is helping cure the virus! It is only going to change the size of my waist and the size of my a&*! So again, I get to witness not judge! I can ask God in a holy instant, “God, please help me to make healthier choices with food and exercise.”

So maybe you are, like me, a woman or a man who was always on the go a free spirit who has had their wings clipped by this pandemic. Happiness or suffering it is up to us do we view it as a blessing or a curse. Do we accept and utilize this time to give ourselves and our loved ones a little extra love? Can we witness not judge our character defenses that arise out of the mud? We may be powerless over many things in this world, but our reactions and our practices still are up to us.

Can we practice love and kindness with our loved ones who have there own time of day that the stress gets to them? Returning to love is always the answer.

Love for ourselves

Love for others

Love of the universe.

We can all do our part! Stay home utilize this time as a period reflection on our behaviors and moods. DO NOT BEAT YOUR SELF UP! Witness, observe, be honest, and then look at your character assets. Take a strengths test  http://www.gallup.com to find out your assets then begin to build up and make them stronger.

Time is the most precious gift we can give anyone, why not give this time to ourself?

Its springtime a perfect time to weed that garden of your soul!

Shine On,

Bonnie

Meditation is my Medication

 

 

 

It is incredible how fearful thoughts can develop and change the trajectory of our journey.  Similar to the  out of control “Thomas Fire” that burned 280,000  acres in Southern California the mind can burn with negative thoughts and fears that can cause significant damages.  In the past I have been reactionary towards these fears. I’ve sought out likeminded people who confirm these fears wile adding  to the fire with more of their own fears.  This  way of living was exhausting, fear based living did not serve me or others. It was horrific to my mental and physical health and took a toll on the people who loved me. I was living in fear.

 FEAR= False~ Evidence~ Appearing~ Real

Fear starts out as a belief that is shared with others then become real. The recipes for suffering through fear contain a resentment, fact projection, time travel, fact-finding evidence to support the fear and lots of  energy.  My “case” (as I would refer to it) becomes a file cabinet that I carry with me ever place I go.  If I begin to relax I share this fear I will continue to keep it alive by spreading it to others. Then I can add an opinions file to my file cabinet. Finally at some point  my mind becomes tired. I begin to lose sleep. I become obsessed with winning my case. I am unable to be of service to others. I am living in self-centered fear attached to the outcome” I feel would work best for me”. I am  not concerned with the over all good of the universe just me. The fires are igniting in my head setting myself up on a full burnout. I am not living in peace. I am in a dream of Hell!

AWARENESS~AWAKENING~ SPURITUALITY COMES BACK~PERSONAL INVENTORY

Then suddenly  I wake up to myself, my behavior, my actions, and deeds. I own it I am in fear. I observe it I don’t judge it. I catch myself and redirect my actions when realize I am living in fear. I don’t beat myself up rather I lift myself up. The next action I must take is to ask the power greater than myself for help. I turn to God, I hit my knees and I ask  “Please God, help me, give me, how can I serve thee.”

BREATH~ DEEPLY INHALE LOVE~ EXHALE FEAR~INHALE TRUST

GODS GOT YOU~ YOU ARE NOT ALONE~ YOU ARE SAFE~YOU ARE PROTECTED

A steady mind is the most effective antidote to fear. If you control the breath you can control the mind. The next time you are excited regarding some person, place, or thing that you find unacceptable in this world observe your breathing. It has been my experience that my breathing as been as erratic as my mind. This solution all starts with awareness that you are having an allergic reaction the unacceptable situation.

REJECTION IS GOD’S PROTECTION LEADING YOU IN A NEW DIRECTION

The job I did not get, the relationship that parted ways, the light’s tuned red to the opportunities that did not unfold as we had hoped. These are all experiences that every one of us face from time to time.  Maybe better things are in store for you. Our job and life’s purpose is not always a financial exchange.  Maybe your temporary life mission for a brief period of  time is to simply be of service sharing your gift of  time. It could be your needed to be of service to a friend or family member going through a health crises. Our job is not to fix or mend, just to be to present to hold a hand doing Gods work saying.  “You are not alone I am here for you.” God may have more important plans for your right now to be present for others is your job.

The relationship that took a shift may have served its life for the lesson now.  The separation  may be necessary part for your individual journey’s to unfold. More will be revealed its in Gods time not ours.

If the light did not turn red you would have been involved in a car accident.

TRUSTING THAT GOD IS DOING FOR US WHAT WE CAN NOT DO FOR OURSELVES

I work for God asking him daily “Lord please make me a channel of thy peace. Take me all of me.  I abandon myself to you. Remove me of any defects of character that stand in my way of usefulness to you and my fellows. Thy will not mine be done.” Over time I began to cultivate a belief that God’s grace will show up in every experience. I have to be open-minded and allow it to be as it is.  Only after the surrender will I began to feel a sense of ease and comfort. The sooner I was able to accept the unacceptable and allow my destiny to unfold trusting that God, my father will turn everything to good. After this revelation that I found the ability to tap into the peace in my soul. It is as if I have a built-in GPS (God Protection System) to put me back on the path of love every time. God has always sent one of  his legion of Angel in all different places to pull me back on the path.

My prayers are practice even at times of peace!

Today my prayers are practice daily sometimes through out the day.  They keep me in spiritual fitness for when the wheels of fate spin my way.  Upon awaking I set my positive intentions  then at night due I say thank you for the life lessons and blessings.  If I have trouble sleeping  due to some unacceptable situation , I pray.  When I am afraid that my love one will be hurt, I pray that God protect them. When my child is learning a lesson I do my best to stay out-of-the-way, and  I pray.  That they learn the lesson and are aware of  the blessing so they don’t need endure or repeat the pain. I need to trust that God’s Has them too! When times are good I pray and Thank God daily.  I never pray to win the lottery because I believe I already have. I have healthy children, a home to live in, food to eat, friends, fellowship, love in my heart and God in my soul.  I am grateful!

Meditation is the practice of Mental Physical Fitness

I could only do about three minutes in the beginning of my practice.  My mind was a three-ring circus. I couldn’t sit still with myself my mind raced. Often my thoughts were craving more people to fuel the inferno of fear within my mind. I am fairly certain that God had sent several people to pull me off the dark side. I just wasn’t ready to take the leap. I needed to stop watching the news stay out of negative places.  Then I needed to fuel my mind with positive happy up beat images. I craved to fellowship with other like minded people who were healthy getting healthier.  I began meditating on positive affirmations. “I am a beautiful person, I am a wonderful person, I love myself exactly as I am.”  This practice was healing  to my soul putting sunshine back in my spirit. Mediation was food for my soul.  I began to practice meditation daily.  Today I can sit for twenty-five minutes to a thirty minutes in silence feeling the breath move through my body, lowering my blood pressure feeling my heart beating. This power within us all is a self regulating system that supplies us with serenity, reduces blood pressure, effects stress hormones and even changes our cellular health.

I was unaware disconnected from myself.  Meditation guides me back to my divine innocent essence of my eight year old self. It helps me to be the  honest, awake, aware of others feelings. Through the practice of meditation I become part of the universe not the center of it! The Child of God  I alway hope that I can be. Spontaneous laughter, gratitude and joy overcome me on a daily basis as a direct result of my practice.

Today my Meditation practice consists of the following; breath meditation, walking meditations, focused attention meditations, fire meditations, loving kindness – meta meditations, Kundalini meditations, sound mediations, mantra mediations, pranayama Mediations, Zen Mediations, guided meditations. Mediations have become a sustainable tool to navigate though the journey of life. Grace has reentered my soul radiating light to others. My true essence is alive when I am walking in the sunlight of the spirit. I invite you  to walk along the pathway to serenity with me.

I hope that you will one day join me for a meditation workshop or a class.  I am open to answer any question about my trainings or experience.

Shine On Bonnie

Recovering my free Spirited Soul

 

I had it over load I needed to hit the road and be all alone.  I left everyone and off I went to block Island to just be with me.  I was a mother of 3 children, a wife, a business owner, a daughter, a friend and a human companion  of a beautiful yellow lab Bella.  I left my two older daughters with their dad and my youngest with her dad and out the door I went with Bella. We headed off for some silence.  I needed a break from all my mind chatter we were off to block Island to do some soul-searching.  I wish I could say that I had the support of my husband to do this, but I did not.  Unfortunately  It had appeared that I was running away,  in  my reality I was stepping out to re connect with myself.

RECAPTURING MY FREE SPIRITED SOUL!

I checked into a peaceful spot on the Island and begin to hike, sleep, eat, pray, journal and self-love. I attempted not to drink any alcohol or abuse any drugs. It was the first time in a long time I felt free from responsibilities. I had time to just think about myself.  Complete silence could only last for so long after a day I ventured out. I am a very sociable person and had bumped into some acquaintances who lived on the island.  It was in this moment that a miracle occurs and I am freed of  30 year misconceived perception that had changed the course of my life.

Rewinding the clock to when  I was 8 years old and  I had a difficult year.  There was a lot of turmoil going on at home. My mother was mentally ill and was removed from the home in an ambulance. I believed that all the neighbors saw this and had shunned us with judgment . I felt a guilt and shame over her disease on what I thought everyone could see.  I believed that I was was the only one who had family problems. I felt different, separate, isolated and alone.  Home life was challenging  I felt there wasn’t a lot of help for nurturing my  8-year-old needy soul. I remember the arguing and thinking for the first time that killing myself was a solution to get out of this life. It was just a challenging  time. My dad  was amazing and did the best he could to take care of my mom getting her better with the solution the doctors offered. He provided for the family by owning his own business. My oldest sister was married, my oldest brother was seventeen and my youngest brother was twelve I was eight.  He had a full plate we were all doing the best we could.    This is my first consciousness of comparing  everyone’s external appearance to my happiness. My dad purchased my brother and I three wheel motorcycles.  They were awesome and we lived in a great neighborhood for it.  It had only been about two weeks since my mom had been removed from the home. The motorcycle was a perfect distraction. I had taken my trike to the little girls house down the street to play.  I remember  the feeling of the wind in my face as I drove down the street and parked outside there house. FREEDOM!

Kelly and Tammy were so adorable they both were so perfect with the best polly flinder dresses.  Their hair was always so perfect their house was always clean.  Kelly  and Tammy mom was a beautiful and fit, I never saw her smoking or laying on a couch. Their yard was perfection and their dad had a brief case and was a sharp dresser. I stood on the front door of the home wearing my A-Team t-shirt with my motorcycle parked looking  like a complete tomboy.  I had asked Kelly to come out and play she said she couldn’t. I asked if she could play tomorrow she said no, she couldn’t play any day.  I asked why? She told me it was to dangerous at my house, we had a trampoline, a pool, I drove a motorcycle, we had dogs.  I drove away crying heart-broken, sad and mad. I was devastated,  I knew what the problem was it was none of the things she said.  It was because of my mom! My family was the problem.  I began to feel guilt and shame for me being me. This was a narrative that I would continue say which was a driving force behind my self hate. This narrative was leading to separation from my authentic self. I wanted to be anyone other than me. Therfore I became a person I thought you wanted  me to be and not  my true authentic self. I remember making up lies to sound far more interesting than what I actually was. I turned my back on myself, my family and My God.

Returning back to the present June 2011… Im on Block Island on my soul-searching mission.  When I was talking to a group if friends suddenly one of the women says “I can’t believe it your Bonnie.. Bonnie ” I said” yes I am”. I focus in on the women a little closer and I realize it Kelly, my old friend from the neighborhood. She is older.. 30 years older to be exact.. same great  smile I recognzie her right away. She defiantly was not dressed up as formal she was as a child.  Her style was Island attire she worked as a  landscaper on the island had been for the past 20 years. That was when she casually informed  me ” I always wanted to be you Bonnie” I was taken back.. “You always wanted to be me” I said. “I’m shocked” My whole narrative that  had held me captive in anger, guilt, shame and remorse is shattered in seconds.  Kelly then proceeds to tell me that her mom was an alcoholic and kept her captive in the home in nice dresses and cleaning the house and wouldn’t let her be free and go out and play. In seconds Kelly liberated me of  a 30 year belief  and the healing begins.  Kelly wanted to be my friend after all, suddenly my inner child heals. She envied the fact that I was able to run around and be free and have fun.  Kelly was having the similar  experience to that I was having.  The mirage was that the grass was greener on the other side of the street. The comparing was not based on actual facts but rather illusions of what we perceived to be as truth.  We were incapable to see see all the gifts that we had because we we were blocked by Avidya.

In yoga the root of all suffering is based on Avidya misunderstanding, ignorance of facts was causing a whole lot of suffering.

This reunion was mind-blowing I believe the primary purpose behind my visit on the island. I was beginning to heal from 26 years of grief of over the relationship with my mother.  I needed to heal, understand and accept this relationship. This was key to my self-love, self acceptance and over all well-being and happiness. This anger was  blocking me off  from actually being the mother, friend and wife that God intended me to be.  It was amazing how the anger  left my body once the experience went though me..I was able to understand that God was had and always will be doing for me what I could not do for myself.  I also started to understand It is none of my business what other people think about me.  As long as I know Im Good with God its good enough!

Today I challenge you to ask yourself what narrative is holding you back in life from being your true authentic self? When had Avidya ( misunderstanding, ignorance to facts) blocked you off from being your highest and best self?

Lets Hurry Up and Meditate

It is so funny the paradox of the rushing around to do yoga or meditate. Often we don’t realize the actual intentions we are setting attending a yoga class or a meditation. Maybe a therapist or a doctor suggested to us that we take a yoga class as part of an over all healthy plan or to treat symptoms that are stress related. Maybe we just wanted to try the latest out door yoga class because it is trendy. It really doesn’t matter what takes you to the mat as long as you allow yourself to reap the rewards.
Between my responsibilities of being a businesswomen, mother of 3 daughters, social obligations and attempting self care along the way I became lost in the process. I was a wound up women in constant motion getting to the next task or event. I was on medicine for depression, acid reflux, adhd, and medical marijuana for migraine headaches. I am happy to announce it has been 5 years since I have taken any thing other than an occasional motion. I started to hurry up and meditate.
I have come to believe how you do anything is how you do everything.
I was showing up to life one task at a time. I was usually making excuses as to why I wasn’t good enough or why it wasn’t done right. I was doing way to much. I was tying to be everything to everyone and abandoning myself in the process. My skin was tight my muscles were tight which meant my organs were being effected. My temper was short. This had led me to the emergency room with chest pains. I was treated by an amazing female doctor who knew what it was like to try and be everything to everyone and forget about yourself. She shared her experience while in med school and suggested I go to a massage therapist to help loosen my tightened muscles that were causing my discomfort in my chest. Then she said the magic words and try yoga classes. Thank God she didn’t block from he solution with another pill.
She knew that I was disconnected from my own spirit. That the solution was and inside job. That was when I started to hurry up to meditate.
I had been here before showing up to classes trying to calm the chattering mind. I would feel better for a bit then take on some more responsibilities then put my self care on the back burner. Putting yoga on the top of the to do list was pretty difficult to do. I needed to be thin enough to get in the class with all the beautiful people. I needed just the right out fit from Lululemon and they are pretty expensive. I would get on the mat in the class and just look around at everyone else what they are doing and how they are doing it and think they are all doing it better than me. And I would hurry up to go do this! Ugh it was nuts.…
Like I said how you do anything is how you do everything.
Then the universe began to send me messages to take my practice to a deeper level. So I purchased a copy of the Bhagavad Gita and tried to read it and understand it myself. ( Not Suggested) Next I had taken my first one on one instruction with the intention to develop a personal at home morning practice. I also purchased the yoga sutures by Deepak Chopra on iTunes and listen to it while I practiced a daily morning routine. With the sutures I was planting seeds in my consciousness that would bloom at just the right time. I often say that the hardest pose in yoga is getting on the mat. I needed to Keep Practice Simple in the beginning some days just rolling the mat out and getting into child’s pose for 10 breaths. I was quieting the mind, body and soul even if it was for just 10 breaths. Today at a minimum I do 5 simple sun salutations putting my fingers at my heart setting intentions of the day. This simple practice has changed my life and continues to change it daily.
The path continued to lead me in the direction to become an instructor. I tried so hard to talk myself out of it. I had continued to be led in the direction of self study to learn the facts about Bonnie. I became interested in being healthy mentally, physical, emotionally and slowing down in the process. I have become a witness to my shadows. No longer a judge, but rather a witness with a sense of humor to laugh at the darkness and guild it back into the light. I discovered what it was like to be an imperfect human and that were are all the same. We just have different Karma’s to work though along the journey. How we do everything is how we do anything applied to me.
While I was in a yoga class I was looking around the room comparing and separating my self from others. I was checking a lot of things off my list but I lacked integrity with my tasks. I was doing way to much. Like I said How we do everything is how we do anything. While on the mat it came to me that I did this in all my affairs. At work, parenting, relationships everything I did I was constantly comparing and separating from others. I also discovered that I lacked integrity in my work. These were the shadows that were blocking me off from success in the human race and being part of the solution.
“ Without Language, one cannot talk to people and understand them: one cannot share their hopes and aspirations, grasp their history, appreciate their poetry or savor their songs.” – Nelson Mandela
Other tool in transformation was learning a different language Sanskrit. It had forced me to research simple sources to suffering Avidya. In my research I learned that Avidya were the obstacles that prevented us from recognizing things as they really are. The obstacles are asmita(ego) raga( attachment) dvesa( refusal), and abhinivesa(fear). If I know root of a problem Then I can address the problem.
Making peace with the Shadows

I look at my shadow self as an alarm that goes off that separation is happening and some area of my soul needs attention. Alarms are ok its all part of witness conciseness. It is when I am moving slow enough that I can hear the alarms and the solution is gentile. If I am running to fast focusing on something other than being the best version of myself that I don’t hear the alarms. I have learned that it is best that I take the time to listen is silence to the song of my soul. What do I want? What do I need? It’s amazing that I have learned all of this from hurrying up to Mediate.
I was yelling at my kids and rushing out the door when I realized I was hurrying up to meditate.
I was about 2.5 miles away from my home when I stopped at the red light and finally paused. It came to my awareness that I was hurrying up to meditate. I laughed paused and turned the car around and headed home to apologies for my behavior. I just had to explain to my family that I am a work in progress just like the rest of the human race. When I can become patient with myself I can become patient with others. Continual practice leads to progress not perfection. I catch myself faster today when I begin to come off balance. I attempt to stay regulated by making time to take myself to the mat.